Why the Lions Will Win the NFC North: Vikings Are Terrible

straight cash homie.

*We here at Motor City Sports Talk firmly believe the Lions will win the NFC North this season and to make you believe too, we will discuss each of the other three teams in the division and break down why they will not win the NFC North, therefore assuring the Lions of a division Championship.  Today’s team: Minnesota Vikings*

To prepare to write this article I did a few things, first, I just wanted to think about the Minnesota Vikings and what first comes to mind was the following: The stadium’s roof fell in because even it wanted to kill itself during a Minnesota winter, Brett Favre and Donovan McNabb have been the starting QBs the past two opening day’s (or whatever football calls the first game) the owner keeps trying to move the team to LA, Adrian Peterson destroyed his knee last year and was arrested for assaulting a cop in Houston during the offseason,  Jared Allen is a hick and Leslie Frazier is the head coach.

That should be enough to make you believe the Vikings are going nowhere fast, but just to offer a little more proof I’ll keep going.

The second thing I did was look up their depth chart and I could not…stop…laughing…at the offense.  The best thing the offense has going for it is the 4th string quarterback is named McLeod Bethel-Thompson.  Seriously.  Look it up.  Other than that there isn’t a whole lot there.  Apparently Christian Ponder is still the starting quarterback, Adrian Peterson is still hurt so Toby Gerhart is the starting running back and that should be pretty awful.

Nothing quite like having a starting running back that went to an academic college known mostly for having their band run over by the Cal football team in 1982 and played both defense and offense while there.

What’s even worse about the Vikings is those are the strong points of the offense.  These receivers are a joke: Percy Harvin is the #1 reciever and is smaller than most defensive backs in the league.  He requested to be traded this offseason, gets headaches and can’t play half the season, has never had 1000 yards receiving and his career high TD receptions in a season is 6.

The other starting receiver is Jerome Simpson, best known for being arrested for having FedEx deliver him 5 pounds of weed from California followed by 15 SWAT officers knocking his door in while “playing” for the Bengals.  Then the back up is David Aromashadu (I’m not even going to bother to see if I spelled that right) who couldn’t hack it as a Bears WR when Devin Hester was the top guy…he couldn’t beat out a failed corner back with no hands for a job!

The offensive line is a mess and they drafted Matt Kalil as a tackle, considered the “safest” pick in this years draft so I can only imagine that Vikings fans should be happy if he’s only as bad as Robert Gallery instead of being Tony Mandarich bad.  Getting labeled the “safe” pick is a good way to see yourself out of the league before your rookie contract expires.

I’m going to run through the defense pretty quickly: One of the Williams is still playing defensive tackle, I’m not sure which one but I bet he’s fat and over 35.  Jared Allen is one of the defensive ends and will annoyingly sack the quarterback then even more annoyingly Fox will show a picture of him with the following items: a pick up truck, camouflage, overalls, a fu-man-chu, a shot gun and a dead deer…I get it, you are from the south, I don’t care just stop talking…also you wear #69…13 year olds all over Minnesota think you’re hilarious.

Chad Greenway is playing linebacker and I think he has a pony tail but I may be thinking of that guy in Green Bay, that’s the type of impression this linebacking corps can have on you.  Another starting linebacker is named Erin.

Antoine Winfield is still listed as a starting cornerback and that is surprising because he was in Madden ’95 so that makes him 52 years old.

So as you can clearly see, the on field product is nothing to be excited about if you are a Vikings fan, but pretty nice to see as a Lions fan.  Off the field, the owner, Zygi Wilf is a German born real estate developer from New Jersey that keeps threatening to move the team to Los Angeles if the state of Minnesota doesn’t build a new stadium for the Vikings.   He has been doing this since before the roof caved in.

Leslie Frazier is their head coach for now, he’ll probably be fired soon, possibly before you’re done reading this article.

They may think they are past the troubled times of the Lake Minnetonka scandal but as long as the internet exists, so will that incident.

So as you can clearly see, the Minnesota Vikings are no threat to the Lions this year…CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!



1 Comment on "Why the Lions Will Win the NFC North: Vikings Are Terrible"

  1. velveteenrabbit81 | August 9, 2012 at 6:12 pm | Reply

    Jared Allen is the funniest person he knows. He’s an L7 weenie.

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